“Kindness is irresistible, so long as it be genuine and without false smiles and duplicity. The most consummate impudence can do nothing, if you remain persistently kind to the offender, give him a gentle word of admonition when opportunity offers, and at the moment when he is about to vent his malice upon you bring him round quietly with ‘No, my son; it was not for this that we were made. I shall not be hurt; it is yourself you are hurting.’ Point out courteously and in general terms how this is so, and how even bees and other gregarious animals do not behave as he does–but do it without any sarcasm or fault-finding, in real affection and with a heart free from rancour; not in the manner of a school-master, nor yet for the admiration of the bystanders, but, even though others may be present, as if you and he were alone in private.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book Xi, 18 (174).

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

This one is tried and true. In my previous career I had the privilege of serving as a supervisor in an Operating Room in a big hospital in Dallas.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to keep my cool when the person across from me (sometimes a very intimidating person, like a surgeon) has become angry enough to begin yelling their frustrations for everyone to hear.

You can train yourself to remain calm. But it takes work. My early lessons in temperance were in the wrestling room in High school. Emergency training in nursing school helped too.

Practice. Deliberate. Calm.

Legendary cycling commentator Phil Liggett has said something like, “The crazier the people around me get, the calmer I become.” I love that.

Aurelius demonstrates the secret power of gentleness so eloquently in the quote above. And if you take his advice you won’t diffuse every situation, but you’ll definitely discover for yourself the counterintuitive power of a gentle answer or a respectful rebuke.